War on Halloween


Brendan Ulmer , Writer

**Everything written in this piece is satirical and nonsensical and meant to poke fun at the recent petition going around and/or certain students who may take Halloween a little too seriously**


If I’m to believe what the national system and their propagandists have told me, Halloween is not a holiday.

(I’ll give my easily shocked readers time to catch their breath.)

Yes, you read that right, there’s a war on Halloween and the school district is leading the charge.

The conflict comes from the cultural differences between us, the bright-eyed youth, and the powers that be, the school board. As the bright-eyed youth, what is Halloween to us? It’s the day of the year where we get to dress in outfits ranging from adorable to aggressively immoral, solicit all of our neighbors, and gorge ourselves in as much chocolate as we can fit in our chubby little hands, but to the school board, Halloween is just Thursday. 

Now, I’m not saying that the school system hates us, but it’s hard not to draw that conclusion when I’m in the locker room and not a single one of us are changing out of an astronaut suit.

Not only are we forced to come in on the 31st like it’s just some sort of normal school day, we’re forced to do so, while being robbed of the unbridled joy of being dressed as a pirate while you pretend to understand algebra.

Custer didn’t get humiliated at the Battle of Bighorn so you could tell me that it’s not appropriate to dress as a promiscuous firefighter for my Family Studies class.”

Custer didn’t get humiliated at the Battle of Bighorn so you could tell me that it’s not appropriate to dress as a promiscuous firefighter for my Family Studies class. It’s un-American is what it is.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word holiday as, “a day where one is exempt from work,” so I ask you school board, is Halloween not a holiday? Have we not allocated an entire species of gourd for its celebration? Of course we have! Who is the school board to tell me that the holiday is celebrated at night? If I want to implore my neighbors to give me a Kit-Kat at 9:30 in the morning that’s my right. 

Why do they do this? Why do they restrict us, suffocating our freedoms? It’s really quite simple, they hate us, and they hate joy. This is what I’ve been telling everyone since I arrived to the school system in kindergarten, and I’ll be saying this ‘til the day they send their people to finally silence me. The school system, has a secret agenda to quietly and steadily oppress us virtuous Halloween lovers with their hum-drum, no smiles allowed, policies

Then to add insult to injury, in about a month, they clear a whole three days for the participation and recovery from the bogus holiday that is Thanksgiving, but that’s an article for the future. All I’m saying is, if I wanted to know what my great uncle thinks about my haircut, I’d ask him.

Now, people are always coming up to me in a panic saying, “Brendan, I’m scared, the perpetual tyranny from the school district has turned my alert meter up to 11, what do I do now?” 

And the fact that people are always coming up to me asking this has really become quite a nuisance, so if you stumble across someone in a panic at the feet of my teachings, please refer them to the following statement.

The only thing we can do is kill with kindness. Face every class on the 31st with a smile on your face and motivation in your heart. If anyone asks you how you’re doing, look them square in the eyes, flash your award-winning smile and say “Great! But I’d be doing better if I was dressed like a lifeguard.” Maybe then we can bring the joy back to Halloween.