Tick Tock, Tik Tok


Brendan Ulmer, Writer

 I think I speak for everyone when I say that TikTok is the greatest idea humanity has had since running water. I mean, symmetrical teenagers filming themselves dancing alone in their bedroom–why didn’t I think of that?! It used to be that if we wanted to watch a hot person dance you’d have to dish them out $50 minimum and hope she wasn’t an undercover police officer. Inexplicably though, now there are people who want to take this amazing platform away from us, but why? I’ll tell you why. It’s because of Donald Trump’s son.

If you try to look up his account you won’t find one, but you will find a downright troubling amount of accounts dedicated to hopelessly fawning over this 14-year-old, who has literally only said two minutes worth of anything publicly. The kid wants his privacy, come on people. One of the most followed accounts is called “@cutiebarron0.o”, and features compilation videos of this actual child doing such seductive acts like, waving, squinting, sneezing, and walking down a flight of stairs. The most bizarre thing is that most of the comments seem to have been left by liberals who say such things like “We have to save him” and “Man, I don’t like Trump but he sure knows how to make a jaw-dropping kid”, and these people deserve to have their phones destroyed. If I was Trump and I saw this I would have deleted the whole app yesterday.

Now some might tell you that the reason they want this app deleted is because the Chinese government was using it to steal our data, but this is obviously ridiculous. They’re a country who imprisons people over their religious beliefs, supports North Korea, and builds their own islands on international waters that they don’t own, why wouldn’t we trust them? 

It seems like the fear might come from the idea that maybe China wasn’t taking good care of our data, but I’ll put those fears to rest right now. China isn’t some rinky-dink information firm composed of just some executives and an unpaid intern who has the task of printing out your entire search history and annotating it in the workroom of a community college library. In fact, China’s methods are incredibly sophisticated, because they have spent years perfecting the art of citizen surveillance. For almost a decade they have harvested all of their citizens, phone calls, private messages, purchasing history, online searches, heck they even have cameras lining all their streets with facial recognition scanners so they know wherever citizens go and who they meet. Then, they take all this information and run it through a complicated algorithm that gives every citizen a score based on how good of a person the government thinks they are. See, our data is in good, capable hands, and we have nothing to worry about. 

I sure hope that they have started giving us citizenship scores based on the data they got from TikTok. I hope by the end of this article, mine gets bumped up to 1500 minimum. This system they have is so great because it keeps all those pesky Democracy advocates in Hong Kong in check, as well as makes sure no one has the audacity, gall and insensitivity to point out that Chinese President Xi Jinping is a dead ringer for Winnie the Pooh.

I know what you’re probably thinking, “This is all fine and dandy, but I just sent a really funny video of a man accidentally biting his finger at a hot dog eating contest to all my friends, and I want to make sure someone in the Chinese government also gets to watch this video”, well you’ll be happy to know that they are already on it. See, they took the initiative, to not only track what you were watching on TikTok and document your personal information, but also to ask you for access to your clipboard so they can see everything you copied and pasted while the app was on your phone, even if it didn’t have anything to do with TikTok at all! Isn’t that great? Every time you copied and pasted homework answers from the key you found online, they saw you do that. Every time you copied and sent your friends a link to a video of a Cat dancing to “W.A.P.” they saw that too! Honestly, I’m just glad that someone finally cares about what I’m up to.

I saw that the Chinese Government-owned company that had TikTok sold it off to Oracle and Wal-Mart, two private American based companies, and it kind of ruined my day. For one because that means now those depraved Baron Trump accounts won’t be put out of their misery… oops I mean my misery. I’m also just kind of bummed because while I understand that they’ll still be monitoring and selling our data, it just won’t be the same. I’d just hate to think I worked so hard to gain all those citizenship points for nothing.