Tech Reviews: NeuraLink Brainchip

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“Elon has promised that this feature is meant to eliminate plastic waste and has reassured us that it won’t self-destruct while installed in our brain.”

Brendan Ulmer, Writer

There have been a lot of exciting new developments in the field of technology over the past year or so. From Facebook releasing their idea for a new worldwide digital currency, to Snapchat releasing a filter that makes you look like an anime character, the progress made this year has been exciting and historic. However, no new technology should get the consumer more excited than Elon Musk’s new NeuraLink brain chip. 

From the mind behind Tesla, easily accessible flamethrowers, and impregnating Grimes, comes this groundbreaking new product that’ll turn you from a useless, lowly human sack of flesh and mucus, to a ruthlessly efficient cyborg who can listen to Foo Fighters just by flicking your own temple. At this point this product is not available to the public, but it is expected to hit the shelves within the next year.

The main purposes of this invention, as described by Musk, is to eliminate the need for talking–the neura link chip will just send out your brian waves to the chip of the person your trying to communicate with, and then they will just know what you’re trying to communicate–as well as to slowly embrace technology into our own existence, before it takes over the world. In his mind it’s a case of “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” He’s pulling a Kevin Durant with robots. 

Recent testing was done by Neuralink on a group of pigs. Within a matter of 48 hours, the pigs were listening to the musical stylings of Thelonius Monk in their own brain. In 52 hours, they were able to communicate with each other via neural messaging. In less than a week, they were able to master chess, Jiu Jitsu and the Saxophone, and in a matter of two weeks, they were able to negotiate a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine. Unfortunately after a month, further testing wasn’t able to be completed because the pigs had to be humanely euthanized by Seal Team 6 after taking the supervising scientists hostage, but the results they were able to gather in that month were even stronger than Elon could have ever imagined. 

Now I’m sure you have a lot of questions like, “Where can I buy it?” and “When can I buy it?” and “How much will I be paying when I go out to purchase it?”, Well if you’re reading this and you’re an aimless drifter, you’re in luck! For a limited time only from NeuraLink employees will be traveling all over the country in an unmarked van searching for willing participants whose disappearance would go completely unnoticed. If you’re one of the lucky people they select you will be one of the lucky first people to install this new technology into their Cerebrum.

If the chip in your brain needs to be repaired, simply just purchase NeuraLink’s DIY brain surgery kit (sold seperately) and read the instructions in order to remove it on your own. ”

This technology is simple and revolutionary. If the chip in your brain needs to be repaired, simply just purchase NeuraLink’s DIY brain surgery kit (sold separately) and read the instructions in order to remove it on your own. Lobotomies have never been easier! Beware, however, for if you don’t reinstall the NeuraLink chip after it is repaired, it will explode. Now, Elon has promised that this feature is meant to eliminate plastic waste and has reassured us that it won’t self-destruct while installed in our brain. And personally, I take him at his word, but maybe try not leave your chip out next to a load bearing wall. 

This has opened the door to all kinds of fun new neural technologies, Amazon has promised us an Alexa that we can plant into our prefrontal cortex sometime in the next five years, the Libertarian Party is developing a chip that gives its members a stinging electric shock whenever they forget not to wear their seatbelt, and Exxon Mobil is currently working on a chip that sends its user into a spiraling panic attack every time they see a windmill and imparts the feeling of eating a really delicious meatball sub onto the user whenever they see a duckling covered in oil. My guess is that these innovations are just the beginning, and we will see a whole slew of awesome new inventions thanks to Musk’s technology.

Overall, I give this product a 10/10 and cannot wait to get this brain surgery so that I can say I have finally taken the first steps in achieving my lifelong dream of becoming a Windows 95 desktop computer.