Open Those Doors and Let Us In!


Brendan Ulmer, Writer

As an American, there are two things I know for sure. The first is that our version of “The Office” is WAY better than the UK version, and the second is that if you want something, like really badly, you deserve to get that thing. Never has that been more clear than in this day in age with the brave freedom fighters out there trying to get those schools opened and in-person as it has been since the dawn of man. 

The restrictions these blatant science worshippers want to impose on us is downright cruel and ridiculous– no football?!?! NO FOOTBALL?!?! What’s next, no after lunch games of Twister in the commons? Let’s not get ridiculous here. There’s nothing more American than football. You know that tablet that Lady Liberty is holding? Do you know what’s inscribed on it? The roster of the 1985 Chicago Bears. Not a lot of people know that, but that’s how synonymous football is with America, and that’s why they want to take it away from you.

Nobody ever questions what agendas these so-called “accomplished immunologists” have when they tell us we shouldn’t reopen school in-person. What does someone who went to college for almost a decade and dedicated their life to the study of infectious diseases and the effects they can have on a population possibly know about a virus? I say, until you’ve participated in a kissing contest at Burning Man, you cannot claim to be an expert on germs. The last time I checked, Dr. Fauci hasn’t even been to Burning Man. 

I’m happy to tell you, I’ve figured it out. I’ve traced these quacks and their line of misinformation all the way to the top, and do you know who I found there? You guessed it, Tom Hanks. I bet you feel pretty silly for not figuring that out first. Think about it though. Who mysteriously got the disease just as it first got released? Oh, that’s right, it was Forrest Gump himself. One of the stories about how COVID started involved the virus samples being stolen from a Wuhan medical lab by a wild monkey (not a joke), but… are we sure it was a monkey? Think about it–who has access to the cutting edge of makeup, costumes, and prosthetics? Oh look, its Tom Hanks again. Now I’m not saying that Tom Hanks stormed a Chinese laboratory dressed as a monkey in order to start a pandemic and in the process accidentally exposed himself to it, but you can look at the evidence and draw your own conclusions.

You might be asking, what does Tom Hanks have to gain from a global pandemic? You’re asking the wrong questions, what does Tom Hanks NOT have to gain from a global pandemic. He started this virus so that celebrities could sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” at us and hypnotize all of us into being socialists so that we would tear down society and make Hanks the Supreme Chancellor of the Newlyfound Imperial States of the Americas. Well, nice try Tom, but it’s not gonna work. Those celebrities royally butchered that song, rendering your little spell as ineffective.

Keep going to those rallies, keep fighting for the freedoms you are entitled to, like dressing as a Roman gladiator and assaulting strangers who have a leather ball with your friends in front of a crowd every Friday and licking handrails to your heart’s delight, because if you don’t, our beautiful land of freedom will fall, Tom Hanks will win, and we will be forced to adopt a Wilson Volleyball and Toy Story Lunchbox based economy.